“April,” J.R. nodded
politely as the female commentator sat down at the table. “Thank you for
joining us.”
“My pleasure J.R.,”
April responded as she placed her headset over her short red hair.
“We missed you
April!” King cried.
“Yeah, yeah,” A yawn
sounded from Daffy. “How ya been?”
“The gang’s all
here!”
“Hiroshi,” His fellow
clone warned. “Sit down before I put you down.”
“The following match is
for the EMW Dork Title!” The Announcer proclaimed. “The loser of
this next match will henceforth be known as ‘The Universe’s Biggest
Dork’! But here’s the catch folks! The title can be passed on to
anyone at anytime! That’s right, 24-7! Through pin-fall, knockout,
or submission, ANYONE can become the Biggest Dork in the Universe! So
watch out!”
“Well that’s certainly
unique,” April said.
“That’s the neatest
idea for a title I’ve ever heard of!” King agreed.
“COOL!” Hiroshi
cheered.
“How much did they pay
you to say that?” Daisuke asked.
“Yeah,” Daffy
snorted. “This is the lamest idea I’ve ever heard of!”
“Well,” J.R.
said. “We’ll just have to wait and see how this title does over time.”
A majestic theme,
similar to the workout montage from the “Rocky” movies, heralded the arrival of
the first competitor.
A bald man with an
impressively physique began walking down the entrance ramp wearing a red,
white, and blue amateur wrestling unitard designed to look like a misguided
tribute to the American flag. Even his boots and kneepads had the stars
and stripes of Old Glory as he headed toward the ring, patriotic colored pyro
flaring on the stage behind him.
“Making his way to the
ring, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 220 pounds, Kurt Angle!!!”
“YOU SUCK!” The
fans cheerfully chanted in time to Kurt’s theme music. “YOU SUCK!
YOU SUCK!”
“YOU SUCK!”
Hiroshi cheerfully chanted along with the fans.
“How can you say
that?!?” Daffy yelled. “He’s the best there is!!!”
“Yeah,” Hiroshi
said. “But there’s no way he can beat Dan! Go Dan!”
“Oh yeah?” Daffy
pondered. “How about a little wager? Fifty bucks says Kurt Angle
can beat your boy!”
“You’re on,
Duck!” Hiroshi said.
At that moment, Kurt
entered the ring and immediately motioned for a microphone.
“First of all,” Kurt
addressed the crowd of cheering fans. “I don’t suck! I’m an Olympic
gold medallist!”
“That’s true,” April
reported. “Kurt brought home the gold for Free-Style Wrestling in the
1996 Olympic Games.”
“As if he didn’t tell
us that enough already,” J.R. complained about the arrogant wrestler.
But Kurt had more to
say.
“What is the big
freakin’ deal here?!?” Kurt ranted. “All of you must be just as
angry as I am that your Olympic Hero has to fight some guy in a pink karate
outfit and has a ponytail! Not only that, we’re in a match where the
loser gets called the ‘Biggest Dork in the Universe’! Who the heck came
up with this idea anyway?”
“Why doesn’t he just
quite complaining and fight?” J.R. said.
“I don’t deserve to be
in this match! I am not a dork!” Kurt continued to rant. “The
real dorks are those people who spend all their money on Japanese cartoons and
time wasting video games, then devote web sites to them! The only thing
even dorkier is to spend time on message boards talking about them! Come
on! Get a life people!”
“I think Kurt’s taking
this a little too far,” J.R. said.
“Yeah!” Hiroshi
shouted. “I’m not a dork!”
“That’s a matter of
opinion, Cloney,” Daffy smirked.
“If anything should
have a web site devoted to it,” Kurt continued to continue to rant. “It
should be your Olympic Hero! Oh, it’s true! It’s true!”
Then the lights dimmed
and took on a pink tint as a dramatic fanfare blasted from the speakers.
“Who is this superhero?”
“Is it [Ryu]?”
“No?”
“Is it [Ken Masters]?”
“No?”
“Is it [Dan Hibiki], mild-mannered [Master of
Saikyo]?”
“Could be!”
o/` [Dan Hi-biki]! Number One Super Guy!
[Dan Hi-biki]! Quicker Than the Human
Eye!
He’s Got Style, a Groovy Smile, and a Bod That
Just Won’t Stop!
When the Going Gets Rough, He’s Super Tough,
With a [Saikyo] Chop! Hyaa! o/`
Dan appeared on the
entrance stage and flexed his forearm at the crowd in own his classic taunt.
“OSHAA!!!”
“Dan’s dubbed over the
theme to ‘Hong Kong Phooey’ by Scatman Crothers,” Daisuke observed.
“Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.”
“And it fits!”
Hiroshi cheered before he started to sing along.
“I swear I’m going to
hurt him,” Daffy grumbled.
“Get in line,” Daisuke
agreed.
“And his opponent,” The
Announcer said. “Weighing 163 pounds, the master of his own self-taught
Saikyo style of martial arts, Dan Hibiki!!!”
The man in the salmon
pink gi, with the sleeves torn off in a manly way, marched to the ring.
“Kurt has an advantage
in height, weight, skill, experience, and, unfortunately, intelligence,” April
sighed. “Even with his very own fighting style, I don’t think Dan has
much of a chance.”
“As always, it’s not
the size of the dog in the fight,” J.R. mused. “But the size of the
fight in the dog that counts!”
The pink-clad underdog
climbed into the ring, tucked into a ball, and rolled to his opponent.
Dan popped up right in front of Kurt, taunting with one arm and holding a
custom pink microphone in the other (Even though the microphone clearly said
“Barbie” on the side).
“I, in my mighty
wisdom, know why you are complaining like a woman of aged stature,” Dan
confronted the “American Hero”. “It is because you know you cannot
possibly fathom the awesome manly power of my Saikyo style!”
“Is that so?”
Kurt asked.
“That and you have no
friends. OSHAA!!!”
While Dan taunted, Kurt
threw down the microphone and clotheslined him.
[BIGGEST DORK TITLE MATCH]
[KURT ANGLE]
[VS.]
[DAN HIBIKI]
[*DING!*]
“Angle starts off by
flooring Dan with a vicious Clothesline!” J.R. yelled.
Dan Hibiki quickly
recovered and, in a kneeling position, lashed out and kicked Kurt’s legs out
from under him.
“And Dan responds by
taking Kurt down with an awesomely devastating Leg Sweep!” Hiroshi
cheered.
“An ‘awesomely
devastating’...Leg Sweep?” Daisuke asked. “...Right.”
“YAHOOIE!!!” Of
course, Dan took this time to taunt instead of capitalizing on his opponent’s
temporary weakness.
That was a bad move.
The expert grappler
shot up and locked his arms around Dan’s waist from behind.
“Whoa!
Hello!” The Saikyo Master misinterpreted. “I am truly flattered,
but the mighty manly Dan does not swing that Waaaaaaaahhh!!!”
Dan was interrupted
when the Olympian Hero bent over backwards, lifting Dan into the air and
causing his head and neck to impact on the mat...HARD!
“German Suplex!”
J.R. yelled. “Kurt Angle delivers a devastating German Suplex on Dan
Hibiki!”
“And he hasn’t let
go!” Hiroshi observed.
“He’s hanging on like a
pit bull!” Jim Ross said as Kurt lifted Dan into the air and slammed him
into the mat yet again.
“Another one!”
King yelped.
“Dan can’t possibly
take more than that!” Daffy vehemently hoped.
But Kurt didn’t stop
there. No, he held on delivered three more gut-wrenching German Suplexes
before finally letting the battered Saikyo Master go.
“Five German Suplexes
in a row,” Daisuke counted. “Impressive.”
“Oh my God,” April
gasped in shock. “How can someone survive that?”
The man in salmon pink
was left lying on his back, and writhing in pain only a moment before Kurt
delivered a sick stomping kick to Dan’s forehead.
Dan grasped his face in
pain and instinctively rolled over onto his stomach.
Another, but much more
common, big mistake.
“WOOOOO!!!” Kurt
yelled. “WHO’S TAUNTING NOW, HUH?!?”
Kurt kneeled down,
grabbed Dan’s left leg, and began twisting his foot in a way not intended for
normal human anatomy.
“Angle has the Ankle
Lock locked in!” J.R. announced the crippling submission move.
Dan screamed in pain.
It was an ear-piercing sound that could be heard from even the top row of the
stadium’s seating.
“This is Kurt’s
favorite submission hold!” Hiroshi yelled. “Will Dan tap out?
Will he give up to stop the pain?!?”
“I would,” Daffy
said. “Ouch.”
“TAP!!!” Angle
demanded, savoring his opponent’s screams of absolute anguish.
With a grunt of pain,
Dan managed to flip over onto his back and kicked Kurt in the face until he let
go of the hold.
Kurt staggered
backwards and felt his face for any tentative damage.
Using this momentary
advantage, Dan made his way to the corner ring post.
“And Dan’s favoring
that left foot,” J.R. said in surprise as Dan began to limp up the
turnbuckles. “But he’s goin’ up top!”
“What amazing,
high-flying move could he have planned for the Olympic gold medallist?”
Hiroshi shouted.
“I bet he’s going up
there just to taunt,” Daisuke monotoned.
“Dan-Super-High-Ultra-Special-Secret...”
The Saikyo Master boldly announced while perched on the top of the ring
post. “TAUNT!!!”
“See?”
“Bad move there, Dan,”
King laughed.
In a split second, Kurt
noticed Dan’s position, he raced across the ring, literally ran up the ring
post, grabbed a surprised Dan, and vaunted off the top, plucking the Pink
Wonder from his perch and sending him flying.
“Woo-Hoo!” Daffy
laughed as Dan’s body landed hard and skidded across the ring. “Enjoy
your flight Danny-Boy?”
“Well,” Daisuke
began. “Kurt may be a dork...”
“Dweeb,” Hiroshi added.
“Olympic Hero,” King
objected.
“Nerd,” J.R. agreed.
“Success Obsessed
Neurotic,” April observed.
“Money in the bank,”
Daffy cackled gleefully.
“Call him what you
will,” Daisuke continued. “You have to admit, Kurt’s a pretty good
fighter.”
“He’s a World Class
athlete, that’s for sure,” J.R. admitted.
Despite the pain, Dan
stumbled to his feet as Kurt Angle stood ready for his next move.
“Certain Victory
Trusting In Nobody But Myself Fist!!!” Dan yelled as he lunged forward
pummeled his Olympian opponent with a series of martial arts punches that ended
in a spinning uppercut.
At least, that’s what
was supposed to happen.
Instead, during his
very first punch, Angle grabbed his arm, using Pink Wonder’s own momentum to
pull him across the ring, sending him into the ropes (This basic move is known
as an Irish Whip).
Dan bounced off the
elastic-like ropes and into the waiting arms of Angle, who again quickly
grabbed him around the waist and flung him completely overhead and back down to
the mat.
“An amazing
Belly-to-Belly Overhead Suplex!” J.R. said. “As predicted, Kurt
Angle is solidly in control of the match.”
“And he’s whooping ass
too!” Daffy added, laughing.
“This environment is
clearly made to favor the technical wrestling style of Kurt Angle,” April
admitted.
“How is Dan able to
take this kind of punishment?” King wondered.
“The strongest things
about Dan are his determination...and his skull,” Daisuke answered.
“He’s got heart,” J.R.
praised Dan’s effort. “That’s for sure.”
“Yeah, Dan!!!”
Hiroshi cheered. “Never give up!!!”
“DAN DAN BOOT TO THE
HEAD!!!” Dan Hibiki rebounded with his self-named flying kick, which
sailed clear over Kurt’s head as the American grappler simply ducked.
Dan landed and turned
to find his adversary at the opposite end of the ring, waiting for him to make
another costly mistake.
Instead, Dan made an
unexpected move.
“GADOKEN!!!” The
Master of Saikyo thrust his arm forward and released a baseball-sized ball of
blue energy.
“A ki projectile
attack!” April shouted.
“This could be the
attack that gives Dan the upper hand!” J.R. guessed.
“I seriously doubt it,”
Daisuke said.
Kurt watched in
horror...awe...confusion...utter boredom (Trust me, it had time to change), as
the blue projectile floated about three feet, then fizzled out completely.
Angle wasted no time in
racing to Dan, grabbing his left arm and leg, and hoisting him up on his
shoulders. If the sadistic Olympian were to drop backwards now it would
mean...
“The Angle Slam!”
J.R. yelled.
“If Kurt manages to hit
his finishing maneuver, it could be all over!”
In a last ditch effort,
Dan struggled out of Angle’s grasp and landed in front of him. Instantly,
Dan locked his arms around the waist of the Olympic Hero.
“Is Dan going for a
Suplex?” King pondered.
“I don’t think so,” Daisuke
knowingly said.
“OTOKO MICHI!!!”
Dan yelled right before he exploded in a brilliant flash of pink light.
“OH MY GOD!!!” A
shocked J.R., Hiroshi, and April screamed in horror.
“Oh relax,” Daisuke
rolled his eyes.
When the smoke
literally cleared, the battered and slightly singed fighters teetered on their
feet in their torn and tattered costumes.
Kurt fell backwards and
collapsed onto the mat.
The Well-done Wonder
soon followed and unconsciously landed on top of Kurt Angle, effectively pinning
the WWE Superstar.
“That’s not
fair!!!” Daffy objected. “He cheated!!!”
“1...2...3!!!”
“Your winner,” The
Announcer proclaimed. “By a very unusual pin fall, Dan Hibiki!!!”
The crowd cheered for
the Saikyo Master’s underdog victory.
“Which makes Kurt Angle
the Universe’s Biggest Dork!!!”
In a flash of white
light, a brown pleather weight belt appeared on Kurt Angle’s waist. The
Dork Title had a bronze plaque with a goofy face and the word “LOSER” clearly
engraved on it.
“You have to admit,”
Daisuke as the EMTs ran down the ramp with stretchers for the charred
competitors. “Dan took a gamble and got lucky. Kurt Angle seriously
looked like he was going to win.”
“I don’t _have_ to
admit that”, Daffy argued.
“I thought you liked Kurt,”
April commented.
“That’s before I knew
he was going to lose to a guy with a ponytail dressed in pink,” Daffy said as
he slumped in his seat.
“Yeah!” Hiroshi
cheered. “Go Dan! Now where’s my money?”
Daffy muttered
something unintelligible as he handed Hiroshi his cash, but it would’ve been
censored anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.
“I would like to take
this opportunity to state that neither EMW nor any of its affiliates condone
gambling in any way,” Daisuke stated.
“Nice try,” April
smirked. “But you still owe me five bucks.”
“Fine,” Daisuke
muttered as he fished the fin out of his pocket.
All of a sudden, an
image appeared on the gigantic screen above the entrance stage.
“What’s going
on?” Hiroshi asked.
* * * * *
To Be Continued…